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What It’s Like To Be A Woman: The 3 Stages Of Every Night Out

So although the processes before, during and after a night out will vary based on age, occupation, geography etc., I think it’s safe to say that the majority of women will indeed experience these fundamental stages of a night out at some point in their lives.

Stage 1- “Getting Ready”- For most, this is probably a LENGTHY procedure. Depending on the scale of the night out (from casual drinks with girl-friends to a 6am stop-out) a person may begin her preparations by taking a nap during the day to ensure she is able to withstand the late night she is sure to have. Upon awakening, she must then spend time performing the following tasks; showering, shaving (if she is baring her legs that evening), blow-drying, perhaps administering false tan (depending on her dedication), styling her hair, applying her make-up and finally choosing something to wear. Like I said earlier, this sequence will most likely vary based on the type of girl and the type of night out, but this is what I envision the average girls version of “Getting Ready” to be like.

Now, here are a few “Getting Ready” clauses found in the fine print of the Female Contract:

  1. When applying make-up, one eyebrow MUST be better than the other.
  2. If this is not the case and your eyebrows are a success, you WILL NOT be able to “get your hair to do what you want it to do”.
  3. If you also manage this, then you will NOT be able to find an outfit that suits you.
  4. If you somehow are able to achieve all of the above, it will hence be raining outside and all of your efforts WILL be ruined.

Stage 2-Arriving at your destination- Finally here. The excitement briefly dips when you’re forced to queue for 20 minutes and are then charged a small fortune to even get through the doors. But once you’re inside there’s a sense of inner-joy that you’ve finally arrived at your destination for the night. That feeling lasts for approximately 45 minutes. After emptying your purse for a couple of Vodka double’s, climbing 800 flights of stairs and wading through the urine-soaked bathrooms only to discover not only is there no paper, there’s also no toilet-seat, you realise that this is likely the best the night is going to get. Your feet are in agony – at least those stilettos look good though – and you know you’re going to regret how much you’ve spent whilst examining your bank balance tomorrow. Despite yourself though, you force yourself to stay out until you’ve danced to “your song.” Next thing you know, its 20 past 5 in the morning, your bare foot with your heels in your hands, singing along to “Single Ladies” and you’ve made a huge dent in your over-draft. Oh dear. Taxi!

Stage 3- The “Morning After”– Oh my God. You cannot remember a time you have ever felt this disgusting. You slept with your false eyelashes on, and the remaining glue now makes it feel like you have severe Conjunctivitis. When you finally prise those from your lids, you see the full state of things. Your dress is ripped and lying in a heap on the floor. Your make-up now looks as though a 3 year old has done it. Your clutch bag is empty, save a 10p and gold hoop earring you picked up last night thinking it was yours (even though you were wearing studs). You’re missing your new lipstick, a shoe and any financial stability you once had. After desperately attempting to re-hydrate, you arrive at the conclusion that you are never going out again, because it’s just not worth it. You’re determined to stick to your night-out ban, and you do indeed remain firm in this decision. For a whole 6 days. And then end up in exactly the same situation the weekend after, ready to repeat the 3 stages all over again.